I must start off by thanking everyone who has shared and read my first blog. What a great feeling it is. I surely hope that me sharing my story and struggles will help someone else, even if just for a moment. Feel free to share my blog and to comment. I am a open book!
I decided to share today about what really was the worst part of my depression. For some time I had been silently suffering, I didn’t speak a word of my feelings to any one. I have always been a very private person when it comes to slaying my demons. Which is one of the worst things a person can do. As silly as it sounds, talking is one of the biggest things you can do to feel better. In my mind I wanted to paint this perfect picture of a girl that had it all together. After all, this was supposed to be the happiest time in my life, right? I am married and started the “great life”. I have learned that EVERY SINGLE PERSON has issues in their life. There will be struggles and disappointments, just like there will be victories and happy surprises. Sadly, I feel that as a society we paint this fairy tale picture of what life is suppose to be like. We don’t show the complete picture. As soon as I stopped comparing myself to others I started feeling a lot better. Now today, I still struggle with this. I will always want to fall into the trap of comparison, especially thanks to social media. But then I remind myself, anyone can make their life look like unicorns and rainbows on a social media site or even in brief phone conversation, heck I did.
Things had been rough for me. I had always had a tendency to just bottle up my emotions, hide my depression and move forward. That only works for so long. My facade was starting to come unhinged slowly. That is the day that my whole life changed, forever. Not in a good way either.
I lost my Mom. My best friend. My idol. My safety net. My biggest cheerleader. The only one that I would confide in about my depression.
January 9th, 2017 will undoubtedly be the worst day of my life. I literally hit my knees and ultimately emotionally hit rock bottom. At this time I am still not prepared to go into the details of that day. What I can share is that my Mom, Shann, was the most amazing woman in the world. We lost her suddenly and unexpectedly. Not a day goes by that I don’t shed a tear for her and think of her. (My Mom’s story will be a whole different blog one day soon)
My point of bringing this up is that day sent me deeper into my depression then I ever knew possible. It was truly as if I was stuck on a merry go round that was out of control and wouldn’t stop. I did my best to hold it together and made Mom’s final arrangements. After the funeral everything just kept spinning, out of control. Some days it still does spin, but I know how to deal with it a little better now.
For no other reason other then knowing I had to make my Mom proud, I started pulling myself back from the depths of hell. She always told me that we can get through anything in this life and sometimes we just have to break it down to one day at a time. Well, I went a little drastic, sometimes it may be a battle for a hour at a time. I would set a goal that I wanted to obtain and tackle it, even if it was a minute task. The first day I went out to the barn and cleaned stalls and actually spent time with my beloved horses was the first step in learning to live and control my depression. It was a new start. I AM IN CONTROL of my own happiness. I have the POWER to make my own destiny.
Some days I will go back a few steps, this is something that I expect to happen for a long time. But for the most part I have gained my true happiness back, something I had forgotten all about since I was too busy faking it. Its a daily challenge, but I wake up ready to take that challenge everyday. I am thankful that I wake up every day and am able to rise to the occasion and make every single day count.
In my next blog I am going to share some of the things that have really helped me on this journey!!!! Until next time….
Remember- YOU ARE AMAZING and YOU CONTROL YOUR HAPPINESS. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE MY FRIENDS. YOUR NORMAL AND UNIQUE, DON’T HESITATE TO SHARE YOUR STORY AND YOUR FEELINGS.