The Merry Go Round

I must start off by thanking everyone who has shared and read my first blog. What a great feeling it is. I surely hope that me sharing my story and struggles will help someone else, even if just for a moment. Feel free to share my blog and to comment. I am a open book!

I decided to share today about what really was the worst part of my depression. For some time I had been silently suffering, I didn’t speak a word of my feelings to any one. I have always been a very private person when it comes to slaying my demons. Which is one of the worst things a person can do. As silly as it sounds, talking is one of the biggest things you can do to feel better. In my mind I wanted to paint this perfect picture of a girl that had it all together. After all, this was supposed to be the happiest time in my life, right? I am married and started the “great life”. I have learned that EVERY SINGLE PERSON has issues in their life. There will be struggles and disappointments, just like there will be victories and happy surprises.  Sadly, I feel that as a society we paint this fairy tale picture of what life is suppose to be like. We don’t show the complete picture. As soon as I stopped comparing myself to others I started feeling a lot better. Now today, I still struggle with this. I will always want to fall into the trap of comparison, especially thanks to social media. But then I remind myself, anyone can make their life look like unicorns and rainbows on a social media site or even in brief phone conversation, heck I did.

Things had been rough for me. I had always had a tendency to just bottle up my emotions, hide my depression and move forward. That only works for so long. My facade was starting to come unhinged slowly. That is the day that my whole life changed, forever. Not in a good way either.

I lost my Mom. My best friend. My idol. My safety net. My biggest cheerleader. The only one that I would confide in about my depression.

January 9th, 2017 will undoubtedly be the worst day of my life. I literally hit my knees and ultimately emotionally hit rock bottom. At this time I am still not prepared to go into the details of that day. What I can share is that my Mom, Shann, was the most amazing woman in the world. We lost her suddenly and unexpectedly. Not a day goes by that I don’t shed a tear for her and think of her. (My Mom’s story will be a whole different blog one day soon)



My point of bringing this up is that day sent me deeper into my depression then I ever knew possible. It was truly as if I was stuck on a merry go round that was out of control and wouldn’t stop. I did my best to hold it together and made Mom’s final arrangements. After the funeral everything just kept spinning, out of control. Some days it still does spin, but I know how to deal with it a little better now.

For no other reason other then knowing I had to make my Mom proud, I started pulling myself back from the depths of hell. She always told me that we can get through anything in this life and sometimes we just have to break it down to one day at a time. Well, I went a little drastic, sometimes it may be a battle for a hour at a time. I would set a goal that I wanted to obtain and tackle it, even if it was a minute task. The first day I went out to the barn and cleaned stalls and actually spent time with my beloved horses was the first step in learning to live and control my depression. It was a new start. I AM IN CONTROL of my own happiness. I have the POWER to make my own destiny.

Some days I will go back a few steps, this is something that I expect to happen for a long time. But for the most part I have gained my true happiness back, something I had forgotten all about since I was too busy faking it. Its a daily challenge, but I wake up ready to take that challenge everyday. I am thankful that I wake up every day and am able to rise to the occasion and make every single day count.

In my next blog I am going to share some of the things that have really helped me on this journey!!!! Until next time….



Ending The Stigma of Depression

Depression. Just the word on its own carries such a stigma. When people hear this word they immediately have a picture painted in their head about the definition. It is so sad, but it is the truth. There is truly not one solid description for Depression. It is not a label (even though many use it as such). Every case of depression is different, there is no correct or incorrect way of being depressed. In fact, I would be willing to say that nearly every single person has experienced depression at some point in their life. Sadly most people just stay quite, they do this out of fear of the label. 

I am here to tell you first hand that my depression looked much different the “classic case” (insert eye roll here, there is no such thing as a classic case of depression). For years I have silently battled it, I never wanted to share it with anyone. This is because I feared the reaction I would get from people. People would think I was crazy. People would think I needed medication. People would interact with me differently thinking that I was fragile. Suicidal. Nut Job. Dramatic. These were all things I was nervous about others labeling me with.

Every day I put on a smile and carried on with my normal life. I hid  the fact that I was unhappy with my life and felt like I was on a downward spiral. Honestly I thought the feeling was all in my head and that it would go away. If I continued to pretend I was happy and continued to ignore my symptoms it would just pass right???


I was wrong.

It just grew. Think of a fire, it starts off with just a little hot ember. It glows brighter and gets bigger. Now it is a flame. That flame then just keeps spreading. Suddenly you have a raging wild fire. It could have been easily extinguished in the beginning, but now you seriously need airplane tankers to put this baby out.

As I said, most people would have never know of my silent battle. I didn’t share it. Those that are very close to me maybe would see the slight cracks in my story. They would see the smile fade to tears. But not many, that was how I wanted it. I didn’t want anyone to know how I really felt. The frustrating thing was that in the beginning I could not even pin point why I felt the way I did. Trust me, that is normal. Your reading this and you have felt a depressed feeling before, more then likely you don’t know the real root of the feeling. For gosh sakes, we are not all therapists with fancy degrees :)!

If there is one thing that I can share it would be- don’t feel like you have to hide your depression. SPEAK OUT. Tell those that are close to you how you are feeling. We all can find at least one person that we trust. It can be a spouse, a parent, a siblingw6, a relative or a best friend. Talking will make you feel better. Talking will raise the awareness of depression in this world. You are not alone my friend.

Together we can change the stigma that is attached to being a victim of depression. Safety in numbers right????

I can honestly say I feel so much better these days. Talking about how I feel has helped me cope. There are many others things I have done that have helped to control my feelings. I will share those soon on another blog. But for now, it feels great to know that I have the control to make my own happy. I know that I am not a FREAK because I was depressed. I know that I am not defined by my feelings. I am defined by my actions and the life that I live.

If you would like to reach out to me for more information on how I handle my depression (with no medications) please feel free to. Feel free to share this Blog and to share your thoughts.

Lets end the Stigma. Lets control our STORY!!!

Until next time-   Dream It….Think It…Do it      Your beautiful and smart. YOU can beat anything thrown in your path!!!